Annoying Romance Novel Missteps

I'm reading a romance novel right now. A really, really bad one. I'm not naming the author; I'm not out to make enemies or hurt anyone's feelings. But I do feel compelled to talk about some things romance writers do sometimes that immediately make me fall out of love with the characters. If you want me to toss your book against the wall and stomp away in a huff, here's what to do:

Have more than one hero in a book. It's a big trend now for heroes from an author's past books to stop by and visit the current one, or to have a secondary character in one book who's going to become a hero in the next one. I know, I know it's a way to get readers interested in more than one character. I know it's common. It's practically endemic. It has to stop.

Here's why: your hero is supposed to be the handsomest, toughest, sexiest guy on the planet. And if there's more than one handsomest, toughest, sexiest guy on the planet, well...one of them has to play second fiddle, or both of them are diminished. And second fiddle isn't sexy. As a reader, I'm not going to fall in love with two guys at the same time. That's not romantic. That's confusing. And I'm not going to buy into the second-fiddle guy in one book becoming the hero of the next book, or vice versa.

Even worse, sometimes the secondary hero seems more interesting to me than the one who's supposed to be the primary hero of the book I'm reading. Like the one right now. The real hero is kind of run-of-the-mill, but there's a secondary character that's much more intriguing. He's only in the book for a few scenes, but I'm finding myself wishing the author would just write a darned book about him. It's like real life, folks: if a secondary character is catching my interest, there isn't much spark between me (ahem: the heroine) and the primary hero.

Make hero and/or heroine unnecessarily obnoxious. I know the typical formula states that heroes and heroines have to despise each other before they get to love each other. But it's all too common for authors to make heroes and heroines overly mean in an attempt to up the chemistry, raise the stakes, and so on. Tthere has to be something to their exchanges besides a bunch of snarking--and the snarking has to be realistic. If it doesn't make sense to me why the heroine is such a bitch or why the hero is such a jerk, I'm totally going to fall out of love with them--and I'm not going to get what they see in each other at all.

Make the hero a wuss. In today's world, it's tough to come up with excuses as to why two people can't be together. It's the era of free love, and women no longer have to be virgins or marry people they don't love. Those barriers to love are needed to create tension and drama in a romance novel. Sometimes, in order to manufacture that barrier, an author will make it so that a hero doesn't want to get with the heroine because his friends wouldn't approve, or his daughter's still mourning his ex-wife, or some other dumb reason. Look: a hero is a seize-the-day kind of guy. He sees something he wants and he takes it. That's what makes him a hero. If he's the one trying to resist the heroine, it better be for a really compelling reason. Not a dumb, complicated, wussy reason that would trip up the rest of us.

Have the hero and heroine spend more time apart than together. This one romance novel I read has the hero and heroine getting together for a few months, then the heroine is kidnapped by pirates, loses her memory, gets kidnapped by a sheik and forced to live in his harem, and doesn't get back together with the hero (who is something of a milquetoast anyway) until the end of the book. Um...excuse me? Where's the romance in that?

Make the heroine or hero fall for someone else. I realize real life is complicated. And I realize you can find...ahem...carnal pleasure with lots of different people. But in the realm of romance novels, your body tells you who you love. If the heroine finds sexual satisfaction with lots of different guys, well...okay, that might be empowering or freeing or whatever. But it's not romantic. Same if either hero or heroine have romantic feelings for others in the book--in many cases, it dilutes their feelings for each other. Keep some focus, for god's sake.

Romance novels need to focus on the relationship at hand. The hero and heroine must both be larger than life, standing out from the others around them. If more than two characters are this big-as-myth stature, it dilutes everyone. It might sound overly simplistic, but that's why I love romance novels--and why a lot of others do as well.

My Romance Novel Experiment: Writing With a Buddy (Update One)

Right, so here I am on Ash Wednesday, glumly accepting that I've given up shopping for the next 40 days (don't know HOW I'm going to handle that). I'm not really religious, but for whatever reason ever year I find myself giving up something for Lent. I think its for this reason that I've decided to take on the task of working on two romance novels this month. One is a contemporary chicky/lit novel and the other is a real adventure in every aspect of the word.

I'd like to happily report that my romance novel experiment is going quite well. Over the weekend I began work on a novel that I'm writing with my darling friend, Amy. Normally I don't enjoy writing as a team. In fact, I detest it. I used to protest so strenuously over 'group writing assignments' that I'm sure my professors were convinced that if they assigned me one more 'group writing task' I'd stage a violent coup...and that's putting it mildly. However, when my friend Amy showed me the scenes she'd crafted off of a writing prompt I'd posted I thought-- this stuff is fun, its got potential. So, I wrote to her and said, 'Can we try writing this one together?'. Treating this whole project like a witty game we've embarked into the land of romance noveling, and I have to say, its been a hoot.

Whenever I can't decide if our main character should be ravished by pirates, cheat on her lovely (if a little bland at this moment) boyfriend, or throw her grief stricken heart into the sea-- I get to pass the plot over to Amy. Amy, who's wit and humour put mine to shame, always manages to create another improbable and delicious scenario that allows me to enjoy seeing her name pop up in my mailbox. In fact, working on this project has reminded me of all the fun I have writing. Long after I've sent my portion of our novel off to Amy, I plug away at my computer-- inspired to dwell in my made up worlds a bit longer.

Now, I don't know about you, but if working on a project that makes you happy and reminds you of WHY you like writing so much isn't a worthwhile venture, than frankly I don't know what is!

Eureka! I want to write a Romance novel....

Right, so this week one of our readers sent me a hilarious opening to her story based on one of our writing prompts! I've never felt so proud-- or really, laughed as much! Its brilliant, funny, and reminds me of why I adore writing (and reading for that matter!).

Lately, I've been in a writing rut. I've been zipping my way through books and really getting my reading groove on, but I haven't been able to sit down and get into my own stories. Which is fustrating (to say the least!) and has made me feel really cross with myself.

You see, the thing is, I've got a secret ambition-- to write really crappy romance novels! I know, shocking! Its not that I don't adore writing literary fiction (I do). I know in a lot of ways that literary fiction is one of my strengths. I really enjoy crafting a beautiful and moving story that makes me see the world differently. The thing is, Romance novels feel like so much more FUN to write.

Maybe I'm just tried of the depressing weather, biting cold, and winter slump--but the idea of being ravenged by pirates, rescued by a prince, or seduced by a dark handsome stranger all seem like very appealing topics for me to write about. (Thankfully, I get to go home every night to my dark and handsome husband.)

Don't get me wrong I love the children's book I'm working on. It's just that I've got these super high standards for it and I think that's crippling my progress. As far as my literary fiction homefront, all I can think about are really dark (and somewhat depressing) stories, which are emotion heavy, and very thin on plot. I know I'm weird, but I'm really useless at writing unless I've got my plot all fleshed out.

So, this weekend, I'm going to go home and work on a 'romance novel' and on Friday I will update you on my progress.

Why I Love the Dark Heroes

I just finished reading Karen Marie Moning's Bloodfever. This author normally writes paranormal romances, and while I find her to be extremely over-the-top--the first novel of hers I read had the heroine breaking into the hero's home and hiding under his bed, among giant-sized condom wrappers, when he came home--I also find her writing to be oddly compelling and extremely sexy. I think, despite the camp, she absolutely nails her heroes. She gives them just the right amount of darkness and danger--which is quite a bit more than political correctness would think--without making them irredeemable.

Her Fever series--which has two books so far but I hear is supposed to have six or seven by the time it's through--isn't really romance; it's more like fantasy with a touch of romance thrown in. And despite that, I think it's much more erotic and compelling than her more run-of-the-mill romances. The erotic tension is building over a span of novels, not just one--and there's much more room for character development and growth. In the first book, the hero and heroine kiss once, sort of by accident--and in the second one, they're still not on a first name basis. And yet despite all the formality, there's an extremely hot sexual charge that's vibrating just below the surface.

The hero of the Fever series is much darker and less warm than other heroes I've met in her books; he's a true bad-ass without much of a "save-the-kitten" factor. Towards the end of the book, in a rare tender moment, he touches the heroine's face. The heroine says that "Being touched in kindness [by the hero] makes you feel like the absolute most special person in the world. It's like walking up to the biggest, most powerful lion in the jungle, kneeling and putting your head between its jaws. Instead of taking your life, it licks you and begins to purr."

I read that sentence and I had this weird moment of epiphany. I thought, she gets it. This author really GETS it.

Ever since I read my first romance novel, I've been most attracted to fictional heroes like this--scary, dangerous guys who have the power to be very nasty, but instead treat the heroine with kindness. The point isn't the kindness. The point is that they could be unkind. The more dangerous these heroes were to others in the story, the more their later kindness toward the heroine seemed like an incredible gift. The more special she is for bringing out tender feelings in him.

I wasn't sure exactly what this feeling was when I was younger--I just knew that the scarier the guy was, the more I liked him, for some odd, inexplicable reason. And I didn't understand why I felt the same way into adulthood--despite the fact that I'm an intelligent, college-educated woman who is passionate about women's rights and believes in equality and decency in relationships. But there are lots of reasons why we love those dark, scary heroes--the less politically correct, the better--that shouldn't leave us feeling too guilty. Here are just a few.

That passion is irresistible. Those bad guys are ruthless. They want what they want, and they don't stop at anything to get it. And when what they want is us--uh, I mean the heroine--that's absolutely irresistible. Every woman wants to be desired; there's no female on the planet who doesn't get a little shiver of delight at the thought that a guy braved rain, cold, snow, an angry boss, or maybe a whole army to be with her. And a bad guy is less likely to follow the rules, play nice and be fair in his quest to get what he wants--including the love of the heroine. It might not be politically correct, but it's enough to make any woman feel loved and wanted.

The heroine who can make a bad guy love her is special. Moning said it perfectly when she put it in terms of lions and jungles. When you can make the baddest, meanest, scariest creature in the jungle roll over and purr, you must be something special. He'll rip the throat out of anyone else that comes near--but for the heroine, he's all snuggles. That's sure to make any woman feel pretty amazing about herself.

It's wrong and we know it. Let's face it--we're not supposed to like these guys. We're supposed to like the clean-cut, hardworking guys who are sweet and funny and decent. And that's exactly why the dark hero is so attractive. He's not a tame, ideal husband you can bring home to mom and dad. He's the personification of our deepest, darkest desires--the ones we'd rather mom and dad never knew we had. The dark hero is the personification of freedom and wildness--the antithesis of civility. His very nature is illicit. What's wrong and illicit is always incredibly tempting--just because we're not supposed to want it.

So if you love the bad guys, don't worry. You're in good company--no hero sells more books than the alpha male. It doesn't mean you're doomed to fall for the wrong guy all the time or that you have some sort of weird masochistic tendencies. It just means that you want it all. You want wildness, freedom, excitement--and love and stability. In real life, this combination never happens--they're mutually exclusive. But in fiction, we can have our cake and eat it too. That's why my favorite scary, dangerous guys are fictional.

Managing Power in Fantasy and Romance

This Thanksgiving weekend, I listened to Philip Pullman's The Golden Compass on tape while driving back from a visit with family. I've read this book several times--it's one of my favorites. I love re-reading my favorite books; I always notice things I missed on the first go-round. This time, however, I noticed something I wish I hadn't.

In The Golden Compass, the heroine comes to possess an alethiometer--a device that always tells the truth about any situation, if you know how to read it. It's a device of immense power. And at several points in the story, particularly when tensions were high and the heroine was getting worried, I wondered why she simply didn't check in with the alethiometer to see how things would turn out. I sure would have, if I were facing a life-and-death crisis. There were several points in the story where it seemed odd that the heroine didn't simply ask the alethiometer how things would work out--and what could be done to fix the problems she faced.

Like many fantasy and romance lovers, I'm fascinated with power. Objects and people with mysterious powers captivate me and draw me in, and I'm always interested to observe how special powers affect the personalities and relationships of the characters. But too much power is a bad thing for your plot. The more power a character has access to, the more difficult it is to keep up the plot tension. If your character is all-powerful, why can't he simply wrap up the problems he faces in the plot in a few minutes? If he's all-knowing, what does he have to worry about?

If you're dealing with supernatural powers in your plot, here are a few ways to put limits on them without rendering them insignificant.

Limit knowledge. In The Golden Compass, the heroine can read the alethiometer instinctively. This may have been a mistake. If Lyra had more trouble reading the device, it may have made more sense that she'd be worried about problems she encountered in the plot. I'm writing a psychic heroine into my current story, and I realized early on that her powers couldn't be consistent--otherwise she'd know too much and the plot would lose tension. Her psychic powers are unpredictable and sometimes fail her when she needs them most--making her world much more dangerous.

Make magic more difficult. You can give your hero or heroine fairly modest powers, but still make them seem impressive by limiting the amount of magic available in your world. If your world is a place where magical powers are extremely rare, a little magical gift is a big-time miracle--and an extremely powerful magical person is an almost impossible villain. A little magic goes a long way--and making it more rarified may up the tension in your story.

Make some things off limits. In Karen Marie Moning's paranormal romances, it's extremely difficult to see the future. She deals with some extremely powerful characters, from magicians and druids to the otherworldly Fae--but she does put limits on their abilities. Consider the limits of your world carefully, and make sure there are some things known to be beyond everyone's ability.

Watch out for weird inconsistencies. When I was a teenager, I loved David Eddings' endless series novels. His characters were witty, well-drawn (if a little stereotypical), and extremely powerful. Re-reading them years later, I realized they were too powerful. Eddings had trouble limiting them. Because they were so powerful, he had to force them to follow the complicated and meaningless dictates of a cliched prophecy--or there wouldn't be much of a story; the characters could simply blast apart everything and everyone in their way. An all-powerful goddess couldn't heal a character's heart injury because "hearts jump around too much." Characters inexplicably went to great lengths to hide from enemies much weaker than they were.

This is the problem with making your characters too powerful--it becomes more and more unlikely that these all-powerful people would have any serious problems. So set limits that make sense.

Balance strengths with weaknesses. My boyfriend is a Batman guy--but I love Superman. He's a fan of the tortured, dark-horse style hero, while I'm a sucker for pure, unadulterated power. Batman and Superman are two very different heroes, and each has a balance of strengths and weaknesses that works.

Batman is a principled guy, but he's not hung up on his morals. He's a dark horse. He won't hesitate to kill a bad guy just because killing is wrong in general. But he's not extremely powerful; his powers are mainly in technology and cleverness. His ruthlessness gives him a helpful edge in his struggles to protect Gotham.

Superman is much more powerful. He's got the super strength, the X-ray and heat vision, the power of flight, and much more. His main limit is his sense of ethics--he absolutely will not hurt an innocent, and he won't kill anyone he doesn't have to--even if it's a bad guy. He could do just about anything--but he won't do a lot of things. Many people criticize Superman for what they see as his "boy-scout" personality. But he needs that. If he had the ruthlessness of a dark-horse kind of hero, he'd be too powerful to plot around.

Power is fascinating in all genres. But the more power your characters have, the harder it will be for you to put them in believable danger. Limit their powers in a way that makes sense, and you're less likely to twist your plot into tortured elaborations just to give them a problem they can't deal with.

In Defense of Romance Novels

My librarian mom will roll her eyes. My professors from college will throw things at me. But eventually, the secret will have to come out: I have a not-so-secret love of romance novels.

I think the first one I read was when I was around ten years old. My mom ran the local library, and I had the run of the place. There were some books I was emphatically NOT allowed to take out, though, and among those were romance novels. Of course, once I found out how strictly forbidden they were, I had to read one. So I grabbed one off the paperback rack--I still remember; it was Man of My Dreams by Johanna Lindsey--and I hid it in my backpack. I didn't even check it out, because my mom would find out I had it if I did. I took it home, hid it behind my bed, and waited for mom and dad to go to sleep. Then I took it out and read it under the covers, with a flashlight. I stayed up all night reading it, and man--was I tired the next morning.

Men and women were a bit of a mystery to me when I was a kid. I didn't really "get" relationships. But when I read my first romance novel, it's like a light went off in my brain: "oh--so THAT's what it's supposed to be like!" Which, unfortunately, led me to years and years of comparing the guys I met in real life to the guys I met between the covers of my clandestine books (all through high school, I never actually checked one out).

A lot of people I know don't really get romance novels. People say they're trashy. My boyfriend (yes, eventually I did actually fall in love with a real guy) thinks they're porn for girls. Strong women I respect think they're sexist and demeaning. And I think there's a bit of a grain of truth to some of these things.

But the thing about romance novels is this: much of mainstream media is all about the male gaze. You can't really have an average-looking heroine in most movies; even with romantic comedies geared toward women, the heroine is pretty and the guy can be cute, or not (um...Billy Crystal in When Harry Met Sally? Ben Stiller in There's Something About Mary?). It's very rare that you find a romantic comedy where the guy is gorgeous and the girl is just so-so. I mean, yes, it's true that a lot of amazing guys aren't perfect tens--but that's not the point. The point is that these movies are, even subconsciously, geared towards men's fantasies, not women's.

Romance novels, however, are completely and totally oriented towards women's fantasies--and that's relatively rare in our society. The heroine in romance novels is often beautiful, but she does NOT have to be. In older books the women are always gorgeous, but in the newer ones some of them can be downright plain. And that's really refreshing to me: because the hero (who's always good-looking) is also always insanely attracted to her. It's not because she looks like Nicole Kidman--she's just got some certain something he can't keep his hands off of.

I read an article somewhere that if guys want to know what women really want, deep down, they should read romance novels. And I think that's true--romance novels speak to many of us more strongly than romantic comedies and television. Because the nice, friendly guy with the great sense of humor is wonderful--but he's not the guy women fantasize about. Our greatest fantasies are all about meeting this incredible Matthew McConaghey-type who is way out of our league and who, somehow, falls completely head-over-heels for us and sweeps us off to travel the world in his yacht. It's kind of a new variation on the old one about the prince who fell in love with the peasant girl and made her a princess. That's what makes our toes curl.

(I think I misspelled Matthew McConaghey's last name. Now he'll never fall in love with my cartoon avatar and sweep me off my feet. So much for my master plan...)

The graphic sex is another thing people tend to misunderstand. A lot of people think it's porn for women. And I guess in a way you could say romance novels are exactly that. But it's emotional porn, not physical. The sex in romance novels always, always serves the relationship. The graphic descriptions aren't gratuitous; they're showing us an intimate moment that the whole book has been building toward. If the author cut us out of the action right at that crucial moment, she'd be cheating us of an enormous emotional payoff.

And I guess if real porn shows you what guys fantasize about, romance novels show you that women's fantasies are more complex. We want the hot sex, yes. But we also want to feel fundamentally desired. Like the guy we're with will slay outlaws, storm castles, and brave anything to have us--both physically and emotionally. The ruthless alpha male is a mainstay of the genre, and with good reason: these guys want what they want, and they don't care what they have to do to get it. And when the thing they want is US, that's absolutely irresistible.